just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
