i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I still have a little drunk in my system
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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