Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
