i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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