the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
