ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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