Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
