peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
