the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
