Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
