he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
