I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
