whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
