I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
