I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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