What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
