you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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