you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I need moral support for this bender
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
