I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
