Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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