this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
