just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
