apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
