I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
