So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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