im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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