Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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