My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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