What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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