dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
