mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
