Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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