We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
