Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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