I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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