You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wish there were birth control emojis
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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