Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
