I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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