Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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