lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
