I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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