I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
