if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Did I show you my penis last night?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
