Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
