so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
