she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
