if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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