3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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