Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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