I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
