just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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