we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
